I would be lying if I said I was full of gratitude this morning.

Between the week of having the flu and now my husband having pneumonia it’s been draining to say the least at home- then sprinkle in the insanity at my work not having fucking functional heat and I’m fit for a straight jacket.

I can sit here and lie and say the generic basics of gratitude (like my kids health, the fact I’m not a heroin addict anymore, the bare bones minimum) or I can be frank and say that life’s been taking a shit on me and I’m tired.

Capitalism has left me in a point where I need to work in an abusive/toxic situation in order to pay my bills, and it’s ugly. It’s at least a problem that isn’t specific to me and is pretty common in Amerikkka: it’s a nice change of pace when all my problems aren’t self created.

I could sit here and whine about the fact that the dingbat at Dunkin this morning put ice coffee in my drink instead of ice tea, or I could do that toxic positivity shit where I force myself to be grateful I even have the $5 to spend in a drive thru today.

My therapist constantly reminds me that I’m allowed to complain and not feel grateful all the time, but I’m still very much brainwashed from my time in 12 step programs where I feel the need to suppress any form of negativity.

I’ve been doing these gratitude lists for the better part of a decade (I’ll take months off in between at times, this time around I’ve been at the daily lists for over 5 months). Coming up with different things on a daily basis isn’t exactly easy, especially when my life is tragically boring outside my random weird health issues and my ability to be a magnet for questionable employment.

I’m waiting for the call the city has shut my work down for not having working heat, I’m shocked it hasn’t happened sooner. Inmates even have functional heat in prison for Christ’s sake, so to expect people to pay $100+ a meal to eat in the cold is one I’m shocked is even happening.

My employer seems to think rich old white people grow on trees and is not hearing me when I say it’s a small community and we rely on the same rich old white people every week- the entire business depends on those regulars to keep the doors open.

I’m hoping this lack of heat situation doesn’t cost myself and my coworkers our income completely but I would be lying if I said that wasn’t a concern I have. I’m not seeing a decline in business when my husband and I go out for our date nights- people are still spending money despite the fact that prices have gone up across the board but the decline of business at my work is alarming. I’d hope I’m just being a pessimistic asshole but the feeling of unease isn’t a pleasant one.

This isn’t a gratitude list and I won’t even pretend to call it one, but I’d rather be honest about where I’m at than to force myself to type out generic bullshit for the sake of not wanting to break my streak I have going with this blog.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll have more pep in my step but for the moment this is the best I can muster✌🏻