As I was having my root canal done this morning mid panic attack I had an epiphany.

I thrive in chaos- things being calm makes me uneasy. Hence why I stay working in an industry that’s beyond toxic.

The restaurant industry is a black hole. It takes young hopefuls and strips them of their dignity in record timing. The high income makes inexcusable actions become “just part of the job”.

Every female who’s worked in the industry has experienced some form of sexual harassment- by either their coworkers, customers, or both. The grabby old guy that comes in once a week or the manager that’s got a thing for teenage/barely legal girls- every restaurant has one of those men that either lurk around there as customers or are employed there.

You’re spoken to by some individuals as if you are nothing more than the scum on the bottom of their shoe, sub par and not worthy of respect. You’re screamed at over food you didn’t cook or prepare in any way. You become a verbal punching bag for people to take out their aggression on. It really sunk in when one of our bar regulars bothered to learn my name and actually greets me by it. You hold onto those little moments of basic respect for dear life.

Over the last 20 years of working in food service I have seen it all. People overdosing in bathrooms, staff being arrested mid shift, alcoholism, addiction, managers throwing pots at employee’s heads, you name it I’ve seen a version of it.

Why put up with it? Why keep seeking out these jobs you ask?

Because they have designed it to a point where it’s the highest paying option for anyone who has a record/questionable past/or zero college education. If I had finished my masters degree I wouldn’t be making what I can make serving tables. The cash in hand and ability to make 3-5x minimum wage per hour is an addiction all in itself.

The cash creates a dopamine hit and it’s a cycle that repeats itself. You say you want to find another job but you still go crawling back shift after shift because nothing else pays even remotely as well. I always said I would find my way out; now I’ve grown to accept that capitalism has forced me into this permanently.

The key is finding a spot that the coworkers make it suck less. Having a shit job with horrible coworkers is a nightmare, but having a whack job with amazing coworkers makes it easier to keep showing up.

Still nothing on the return of my gratitude, I’m questioning if my antidepressants have just completely numbed me out (which I can’t really complain about- I’d rather be numb than suicidal). For now this is the best I can do, the consistency of a post despite the lack of forced positivity🖤