April 3, 2015 I woke up in the Carney Hospital ICU in Dorchester Massachusetts to a nurse in bunny years standing over me shoving sponges on small sticks soaked in water in my unbelievably dry mouth.

48 hours prior I had ingested 2 bottles of extra strength Tylenol and a bottle of 0.3mg clonidine with zero intention of being found. My roommate at the time had an obnoxious puppy (named after some Bruins player) that had broken into my room- which ended up saving my life.

The Tylenol poisoning caused acute liver failure, the clonidine brought my blood pressure to non existent and resulted in me needing to be paddled numerous times before my admission into the ICU.

When your liver is failing it is unable to process any form of pain medication (or any medication at all for that matter). When I was admitted into that ICU I had been prescribed Subutex via a doctor I had manipulated into believing I had a naloxone allergy. I’m not allergic to naloxone, I was just a POS liar.

This was a very stupid move on my part for a number of reasons. First off- the naloxone allergy had been listed on my medical chart so when I was admitted to a hospital that didn’t stock subutex that left me in a position where I had to detox off the medication while my liver was actively failing, adding to my pain and suffering.

The biggest reason why my subutex stunt was so foolish was because my dumbass was injecting the medication which literally bypassed the extended release: essentially I was making myself sicker faster than I would have been had I been taking the medication sublingually as intended🤡

I share this because it’s unfortunately a common thing when an addict is not ready to get clean for them to misuse maintenance medications. I did eventually get sober using suboxone correctly in 2017 but at the point of this ICU stay I was very much in the throes of my addiction and not interested in recovery (I was on the medication sheerly because I had been on probation, not for myself).

I was told during that hospital stay early on that my Tylenol toxicity levels were fatal and I had approximately 48 hours to live. The doctor had horrible bedside manner when explaining that due to my suicide attempt I was unable to be placed on a transplant list. Hearing this all at 27 didn’t really sink in with me, I was so selfish and stuck in my cycle of pity. Now a decade later I realize how truly lucky I am that I didn’t die.

I spent my first 6-9 months after that 22 day hospital stay mad that I had lived. My living situation was one I had to face with surviving- which included being evicted by my dead landlords family who was overseas. The man overdosed in November of 2015 in our living room and myself and my shitbag roommate ended up squatting in the dead guys house until the sheriff inevitably kicked us all out in May of 2015.

I left the ICU knowing I was homeless, on superior court probation with no where to go. I did what I do best and threw myself into the rehab system knowing it was my best chance of staying out of prison to go hide out in a program. Luckily Boston superior court is filled with a ridiculous amount of actual criminals and I was essentially able to violate my probation in a number of ways without ever seeing any form of punishment. Weirdly enough the probation department was even congratulating me on “fixing the problem”.

That ICU trip wasn’t the bottom that got me sober by any means, but it did change how I viewed suicide and it’s changed how I handle depression over the past decade since.

If you had told me 10 years ago I’d have the life I have today I wouldn’t believe it. Even with my weird medical issues, my autoimmune diseases, and shitty employer I am still a million times better off than I was as that junked out kid who saw suicide as my best option.

Suicide is a taboo subject that isn’t discussed enough. I will forever share my story with it because if a total screw up like me can rebuild an entire life that’s actually worth living, anyone can.