I don’t have my toxic positivity or gratitude today. Days like today the only thing I can be grateful for is that my antidepressant worked just well enough I’m too fucking lazy and hung over from the medication to be suicidal or feel much at all.

I’m starting to question if I was better off being on edge and an emotional basket case versus the blob I have become. I’m eating as if I’m 600lbs from the antidepressants but my Graves’ disease has come back so I’m losing weight, hair, and my ability to be nice to others.

My therapist accidentally said I don’t need to be nice today. I don’t think she realizes how literal I can be and that if I’m not nice to someone my other option is to be a raging cuntwad. It’s truly not even on purpose but I have such bad people pleasing that I will fake an entire personality and kiss someone’s ass just to avoid any form of actual conflict.

I could lie and say I’m “authentically myself” but in all actuality I’m a collective of experiences (mostly negative ones) held together by forced positivity, spite, weed, manufactured crises, and poor dietary choices.

I don’t think enough people admit to their failures and shortcomings. If they do admit to them they sure as fuck aren’t loud enough about them for it to give others the feeling that it’s common to fail. Our movies and media spend way too much time focusing on the success stories that it’s set impossible standards for the rest of us.

Our brains aren’t designed to be happy, they are meant for survival. Showing only the positive side of things to every single person you talk to serves no one justice.

Half my problems I’ve figured out are common adult problems because of listening to customers at my jobs over the years- not because it’s been normalized anywhere else. 10 years ago I called them rich people problems, in all actuality they were basic middle class American struggles that I couldn’t even comprehend because my own reality was so bleak.

I can sit here and say I’m grateful to have basic American middle class struggles but that’s a lie. I’m not grateful for crippling loan debt, bills, and insurance smoking me at every turn, nor should anyone else be grateful for the ability to just barely get by while having multiple sources of income.

This definitely isn’t a gratitude list but I do urge people to stop forcing themselves to try and find a positive in some shitty situations. Sometimes it’s fine to just be pissy, not everything needs solutions or to be stuffed down with forced positivity.