I’ve started and restarted this blog post a million times trying to find the balls and the words to explain what’s happened since I last updated.

A writer I look up to always says not to write about something personal until you are done going through it, but in this case I don’t think that time ever actually exists and I hope that in sharing what happened and my process of trying to rebuild my life I can help even just one person feel a little less alone.

My entire world was flipped upside down Good Friday this year. The irony of this situation is one that’s not lost on me. My husband, my best friend, the person I built my life with and share children with suffered what can best be described as a mental breakdown/religious psychosis and literally ran out my fucking back door while I was at work.

Good Friday is like the superbowl at my work being a seafood restaurant, so pair that with the fact that I’m a hardcore atheist that got left for religion- it broke me. He was a missing person for an entire month, which during that month I realized how truly useless the police and court systems are when it comes to trying to get crazy people help.

The lunatic walked all the way from northern Massachusetts to freaking Connecticut (committing crimes along the way of course), and ended up landing himself in prison down in Connecticut as a felon with a stolen gun charge. I have to say I was very angry that the state that Sandy Hook happened in was so lenient on a career violent criminal having a stolen gun- talk about white privilege.

I spent a while being angry about it, now I’m just sad that things came to what they did. The day he left I had asked for a temporary separation until he got into therapy and worked on the mental health issues he was clearly struggling with. Instead of going to therapy and being a man he took the cowards way out my back door🤡

The kids took it really hard at first, slowly they have started to accept where he is. Some days I think they handle it better than I do if I’m being honest. While he was still a missing person I ended up picking up cigarettes again- it was my form of harm reduction essentially and they literally held me together the last 4 months.

Unfortunately I literally can’t afford to smoke anymore so I did have to hop back on the patches this week. For those who remember how much I struggled quitting the vapes- I’m here to report that after a relapse on cigarettes it is 10000% easier to quit the cigarettes than it is to quit vaping. I made the right choice avoiding the vape, if I picked that one up I would probably never put it down. I’ve made it 9 days so far and it isn’t nearly as bad as the vape.

I wish I had some happy ending here or a glimmer of hope that things are going to work themselves out but all I have is the truth of where things at.

I’m still at the restaurant, when the ex left I lost my childcare so my shifts are limited but I lucked out that my mother has stepped up to cover the four days I’m still able to work. The poor woman was literally getting released from the hospital the day the ex ran away, the poor woman’s been cleaning up his mess and raising his kids while I am like a shell of a person.

I’ve had 5 therapy referrals not work out in the last 5 months since he left, I have another attempt on the 14th. If that one is another case where they are leaving the practice in 6 months I am just giving up on it.

I’ve started drawing again to try and occupy my time since quitting smoking, it’s helped a lot with my anxiety as well. I’ve basically reverted back to my teenage coping skills and am clinging on for dear fucking life.

I hate begging, it’s not my thing and I’ve always prided myself on being able to support myself. Last month the $400 sublimation printer I had JUST BOUGHT this past winter got clogged and has been out of commission so I’ve been unable to make any of my shirt orders. The business wasn’t booming but I did have steady orders that at least covered my student loans so not having that printer has kinda screwed me.

My savings has dwindled down to a scary small amount, my credit cards are maxed out and my hope for the futures questionable at best and I’m living one second at a time lately. My current focus is to ensure that I get the tires I need for my car in order to pass inspection by the end of the month. I found four tires with installation from Walmart for $460- I am currently $220 short for those as of today (9/4, my birthday)

I’m not above begging, I paid for this blog for a year and it’s expiring 9/15. If you can help with the tires and feel so inclined, it would be amazing and much appreciated.

Venmo- @Mandyooo88

Cash App- $MandyMansur88

PayPal- amandamansur857@gmail.com

I wish I had a happy update and not the pathetic mess my life turned into but I’ve never been good at lying and I have learned that sometimes my survival depends on asking for help even when it fucking kills me to do so.