Today’s my 9 years off fentanyl and heroin!🎉

I wish I could say my life’s great, but it’s just not. I lost my best friend, my husband, and the father of my children this year in a manner that’s truly horrific and I’m trying to mourn the loss of someone who’s still alive while being a single parent struggling in a doomed economy. I’m trying to fill both parent roles, all while filled with immense mom guilt.

I’m beyond grateful my mother helped me get that new printer, not having the shirt sales coming in the last month and a half had really made an impact. Even though I wasn’t really pushing the business much I still was getting at least a few sales a month and that did cover my student loan payments. I’m running a sale right now over in our Facebook group, it’s worth checking out 🏃🏻‍♀️ https://www.facebook.com/share/p/1C6GknwZd7/?

Unfortunately I was laid off from the acupuncture office gig, that was a great experience though and I’m forever grateful for that opportunity🖤

9 years ago today I was in a detox in Worcester, I ended up having to sign myself out against medical advice the following day as the detox was using methadone and I had specifically not wanted to go the methadone route. Instead on the 13th I left that detox in Worcester, walked to the train station and made my way back to Brighton to kick at home in our overpriced $1,700 a month studio. I had been working at the time as a server at a Bertuccis down by children’s hospital and the manager there was nice enough to give me a week off to detox. I have a video saved from day 3 of my detox where I’m on Klonopin, my teeth are black, I’m like 92lbs and look like death but I save that as that’s a reminder of the best it really gets for me when I’m using.

The week I got clean was the same week carfentanyl hit Boston and everyone was dropping like flies between that and the newly released pressed klonopin that was actually fentanyl. During my home detox while playing doctor with various narcotics I had acquired it was definitely a concern I would accidentally kill myself, obviously that didn’t happen.

I was miserable those 5 days, I think at one point I tried to go back to work too early and was sent home because I was high out of my mind from the benzos and sobbing hysterically. I vaguely remember the assistant manager Al (super nice guy I’ll always be grateful for him) explaining to me with a drawing about the receptors; all things things I knew from my 8 halfway houses but in the moment while you’re a mess it’s not on the forefront.

I ended up conceiving my son when I was 2 weeks clean, I had been told I couldn’t have kids so it was definitely a surprise but I firmly believe that pregnancy saved my life. I no longer had a choice when it came to using and having him really solidified that I was done (my last 1.5 years using I was miserable and didn’t want to be doing it anyways).

At 4 years clean I got super sick with multiple autoimmune diseases, that was one that almost broke me but I am happy to say after 3 years of medications (at one point I was on 10 medications) I am now in remission from both diseases. I’m shocked that with the stress that I’ve been under they haven’t come back, but so far I’ve lucked out 🤞🏻

I try not to think about what will happen if my myasthenia gravis comes back. Losing the ability to open my eye will absolutely cost me my job as no one wants a freak one eyed server waiting on them. The only treatment option that worked to open my eye was high dose prednisone- which that medication comes with a ton of side effects and additional medications you need to take while being on that medication. My anxiety around my health issues has always been something I’ve been vocal about so to know I was abandoned while having a ticking time bomb of health issues is salt in an already open and raw wound.

I’m not at risk of a relapse, especially given the fact I got back on the suboxone but I am most definitely romanticizing hospice more. I’m holding out that on my death bed I can have legal/ethical opiate medications and I want a god damn Marlboro red on my way to the eternal flames to meet Satan🤌🏻 I’ve made it 17 days without the cigarettes but when I’m kicking the bucket you bet your ass I’ll be smoking my Marlboros. It’s those small things that keep me going sometimes, pathetic to admit.

If you’re interested in donating to the continuing of the blog, my renewal is 9/15. I’m no longer above begging because at this point I’ve realized not accepting help I’m just not going to make it. Pretty bleak outlook but I live in the most expensive state besides California and I was already screwed even when I did have help from my ex.

Venmo- @Mandyooo88

Cash App- $MandyMansur88

PayPal- amandamansur857@gmail.com

I’m a cockroach, I’m gonna keep going even if it almost kills me🖤