I had my first appointment with the sixth referral for therapy in the last 5.5 months since my ex husband ran away. Considering there’s so many therapists it really shouldn’t be that hard to see someone, but I consistently ran into issues where the provider either didn’t take my insurance or was about to be taking a break from practicing in the near future. I shit you not, 3 out of 6 therapists were all leaving for a variety of reasons- some of them did waste an hour of my time before mentioning that one though, which pissed me off to no end.

The latest one is a psychologist, she’s on a 2 year residency so at least I won’t get up and dumped within the next few months and 2 years should be enough time to make this divorce process be somewhat bearable. I will say yesterday it was nice having someone actually be honest with me about my situation. Far too often I’ve had therapists be proactive- so for one to actually admit that my situation is one that isn’t fixable was refreshing to hear oddly enough.

That’s not to say she said I’m hopeless, but therapists aren’t specifically trained to be able to necessarily handle the entire amount of crazy in which I delivered to that lovely lady via phone call yesterday. I think the way in which I matter of fact spelled out the most traumatic event of my life while making jokes about it did freak her out a bit, but she scheduled another appointment so at least I wasn’t fired.

I don’t want someone to “fix” me, because I don’t feel that there’s anything wrong with how I’m reacting to the situation at hand. If I wasn’t a total wreck that would be more of a concern. Divorce is ugly as fuck, and I’m being thrown into it in a manner in which I never expected.

Greg was my forever. My best friend, my better half and the one person I could always rely on. To be abandoned like this absolutely broke me in ways that no amount of therapy or medication would ever actually fix. I’m looking at these 2 years in therapy as a way to process it so I crash out a little less often and can make it thru the day without being in hysterics over it.

Some days are harder than others, but more often than not that psychopath comes to mind over my day. It’s basically impossible to erase 18 years with someone, boy I wish you could though. Seeing how much my kids have grown since he left it absolutely breaks my best he’s missing all of this.

I wish there was a fix-all cure for divorce. I sure know that picking up a drug addiction wouldn’t fix this one though so I’m not even bothering that route (also let’s be honest, I’m too poor to afford a drug habit these days)

I wish I could have some happy and positive update, but I’m alive and functioning the best I can- and that’s all I have today🖤