I’m grateful that despite the immense amount of emotional pain this divorce is causing me at least I’m not strung out on drugs. Even though I got back on suboxone I’m well aware of the fact that using opiates again would absolutely result in death, and I’m just way too stubborn to have drugs or suicide be my cause of death. Far too many people expect that of me and I have to prove them wrong- who says spite isn’t a positive motivation?

I’m grateful for the relationship I have with my mother today. I will be the first to admit that how I handled our falling out in 2021 was not the most mature thing I could have done. At the time I was super sick with Graves’ disease, myasthenia gravis, and I was also dealing with horrific untreated PPA. The healthcare system at the time had left me in a position where my ability to be a functional adult was questionable at best and I just absolutely shut down. I needed those 4 years to learn how to be a parent on my own though without input. Probably could have done that without a restraining order but I am lucky as fuck that she doesn’t hold that against me in any form and immediately stepped up to save my ass when my ex ran away.

I’m grateful for my ability to sit with myself. Jail and prison did wonders for me in that sense- I can be completely alone and be totally fine with that. Prior to getting locked up I had serious codependency issues and that time being forced to be alone really did help me in the long run. Prison isn’t something I regret. Yes having a record ruined a ton of job and traveling opportunities and didn’t improve my life per se but it did give me a perspective on life that I think is not only unique but also helpful. I can appreciate my freedom a lot more having actually lost it for a couple years. I can appreciate my privacy now after having an obscene amount of strip searches. I can appreciate simple pleasures in life after having lost them all. Again I wish I could have those appreciations and feelings without the 5 felony charges but I guess I had to learn the hard way.