I want more than anything to have some positive update. Some glimmer of hope that maybe- just maybe I’m not totally fucked. I talk a lot of shit about how I’m a cockroach that can survive anything, but this divorce feels like something that has broken me apart at the seams.

I’ve been holding myself together with work, the kids, and copious amounts of weed. My mother has basically become the backbone of the entire operation and has single handedly saved my ass. The woman is a literal saint and I resent that her glory years she should be enjoying she is stuck helping raise my kids because I married a whackadoodle. She should be relaxing and enjoying her life but instead has stepped into a full time parenting role she never signed up for. Luckily my kids are all around amazing so they aren’t too difficult for her but the principle that she’s stuck in this position eerks the shit out of me.

I replay the last 1.5 years in my head over and over trying to find some way for me to accept that this isn’t my fault. That’s insane to think in any form that what happened to my ex husband is my fault, but my good old Irish catholic guilt and shame has made it so that I’ve taken on his mental illness as my own moral failing. I did not cause that man to get sick, but I’ll tell myself that because I didn’t section 35 him sooner that his running away and subsequent arrest could have been prevented. I realize these are useless thoughts and not productive, but I frequently circle back to this is somehow my fault and that he left because of me. No logic whatsoever there, just self shaming and self blame…. The good old Catholic way.

This entire incident has made my hatred of religion so much more intense than it ever had been previously. I’ve always been pretty vocal about the fact that I think religion is for the weak minded and it’s all a money scheme, but to have my life and marriage blown up because of an AI created fake religion has made me a resentful bitch when it comes to bible thumpers. I don’t have patience, tolerance, or acceptance for that shit any more- nor can I fake it. The missionaries that showed up at my door last week got a nice earful as I chased them down my stairs…. Oops.

Since I’m stuck with this blog for another year I’m really trying to utilize it. As always, if you want a tee, hoodie or any clothing be sure to head over to https://www.facebook.com/share/g/14xTgfGCohs/?mibextid=wwXIfr (yes I’m shamelessly plugging my business, I’m fucking poor and freaked out). I appreciate the support that everyone’s given the business over the last six years- even when I was a little brat and kept quitting there’s been a really solid group of amazing people who have continued to support BDB🖤🐥