Today I mailed in the completed divorce paperwork to the looney tunes in Connecticut. I thought I would be more emotional about it but I have kind of become detached. That’s not to say I don’t care, because of course I care that my kids lives were absolutely destroyed over some sci fi horror shit. I’m just at a point now where I want that chapter of my life fucking closed and to move on without the legal attachment to a whackadoodle. This entire divorce process with the paperwork and prison moves has been an absolute nightmare and a major annoyance.

I wish I had some profound insight or way to accurately verbalize any of this. I feel like I go in a loop with the same concepts over and over- all of which are absolutely pointless. I cannot change a single thing about what’s happened, that’s something that’s taken me six months to even semi grasp. I can logic the entire thing, but there are times that I catch myself in that familiar loop of “what could I have done differently”- a thought process that’s sheerly meant to torture me at this point.

I’m glad the weathers continued to hold out enough for my weekly stoned out hikes, this winters going to be an obstacle to figure out options I won’t freeze doing!

I can’t sit here and fake gratitude. I’m hanging on by a thread, I’m miserable, and I just don’t feel like doing the superficial fakeness of the gratitude lists. I know over the last decade they have been of help; but at right this second I would rather take my gift of dissociation over forced positivity. I think my body and brain have shut off for this part of the process as to preserve itself, sounds kind of odd to say it like that but I’ve completely detached from the situation and am absolutely okay with that. I’ve done enough hysterical sobbing the last six months I deserve a period of numbness as a treat✨

I feel absolutely dead inside but I’m still here, that’s the best I can do.