I’m starting to hit a point of a mixture of disassociation, spite, and pity now as we creep into the 7th month since my soon to be ex husband skipped town in his religious psychosis.

Some days the anger is welcomed. It’s productive and an emotion I’m used to working with. I’ve done enough therapy to know it’s a secondary emotion and my body/brains way of processing something so messed up without sobbing hysterically all the time. The disassociation is a skill, again it’s something you aren’t supposed to be able to do- but I’ve been just traumatized enough that I can completely check out when necessary. Those moments of checking out sometimes are a glue keeping me going.

I truly think our brains only allow us to process so much at a time. If we were to not have that built in protection it would likely lead to a mass influx of mental breakdowns. I hate 12 step programs but that one minute at a time concept kind of applies here. Spiraling into the potential crisis’ that could happen isn’t going to help me, but it sure can ruin my day if I allow it.

The pity is one I don’t think that will ever go away. It is a really sad thing when you look at it from an outside perspective and I often times have to remind myself that the man I once loved and trusted with my life isn’t the man who walked out my back door that night in April. The mental illness is so bad that his ability to think rationally was impossible. I appreciate him running away instead of murdering me- but I would be lying if I said it’s not a regular fear of mine that he will end up actually killing me at some point. My last restraining order hearing I had to explain I don’t think for one second that piece of paper will save my life but I want a paper trail for my kids so that when he does end up murdering me my kids can say their mom did everything she could to protect herself. The system really doesn’t do shit though so I’m not naive to think that I’m safe in any way.

I would love to think he could just get on meds and be normal, but I know that’s a pipe dream and not something I can actually rely on. I am grateful for the good years we did have though and I’m beyond blessed to not have the Irish Catholic stay together for the kids mentality and I’m able to escape this marriage before it actually ended me. Most women don’t get that chance to walk away without having to fight for custody- I was blessed to have sole custody immediately. This is all a learning process, it’s ugly as fuck but I can see improvements already which is more than I could see 6+ months ago.

Ending a chapter isn’t necessarily bad- especially when you’ve outgrown your plot line.