Yesterday was a shit one, I won’t lie. Getting the kids school pictures first thing in the morning really upset me, which sounds weird to say. It wasn’t anything having to do with the kids of course, but seeing how much they have grown over the last almost seven months it really hit me at how this is the first of many school photos their dad is just going to miss completely. I resent my ex husband for the moment. I know I should have more pity since he’s whacked out of his mind, but when it comes to my kids I just hate that this has hurt them.

I managed to successfully hide my meltdown from the kids by keeping them on the opposite side of the apartment so they couldn’t hear me sobbing. I know these are normal emotions but I truly try to keep that stuff hidden from them as much as possible as it’s a mood killer having your mom being a sobbing wreck. For a while I had scheduled myself to two breakdowns in my car per day, as of lately they are getting more and more spaced out thankfully.

I’m looking forward to a time where this isn’t as ugly, though I don’t see how that’s possible. I do find I’m able to remove myself from it more easily which is progress. My states of sheer rage and hatred are still there, but I’m able to talk myself through it to a point where I can leave it alone with a “he’s a crazy prick and at least he didn’t kill me”. Pretty bleak but that is the best it’s probably going to get for healing for now.

I wish there was a set timeline as to how long each of these phases last. The lack of appetite has me looking like I’m starving to death and I have the same hollowed out face I had on drugs. I do force myself to eat, some days are better than others but I do make sure to at least consume one thing per day so I don’t kick the bucket accidentally. I miss cigarettes, I miss nicotine vapes, and I’m sick of having a conscience.

I’m back to whoring myself out making engagement graphics and content for other small business owners, something I swore I’d never resort to- but here we are. At this point I’d sell photos of my jacked feet if I thought it could pay some of these bills. I’ve been selling anything in my apartment that I can think of that would be of any value and things are getting a bit scary. When my ex was here and we would get into this pinches I could just go out and get a second job- right now I’m not able to do that due to a lack of childcare. My mother’s already coming out from Boston the only days she’s able to help.

I’m not grateful today. I’m feeling very resentful and want my ex husband to suffer immensely for what he’s done. The reality is that he’s likely still unmediated and doing that freak breathing stuff to make himself hallucinate- must be nice🙄