I wish more than anything I could fake gratitude or happiness. I feel like my entire existence is based on me just holding myself together and trying to not fucking explode. My tachycardia is unreal, some days it feels like my heart is just going to burst right out of my chest cavity and I’m going to die right on the spot. Supposedly my thyroid is fine though so this is just stress? I told my mother the other day that financially it’s easier and cheaper for me to just die- she didn’t appreciate the humor.

I won’t lie, I ended up having to cave and buy these questionable $6 cigarettes to prevent myself from ending up getting my inmate ID number back. Why on earth I thought mid divorce was the time to quit is beyond me- oops. Many days I’m jealous of my ex husband being in prison. That psycho only has to stand 3 times a day to be counted and not kill himself or someone else. Prison is easy- real life is not. I’d sell my soul some days to have zero bills or responsibilities and to be another cog in the DOC machine. That sounds sick to say but prison is like an adult daycare and if you know how to mind your own business and not get involved in relationship drama it’s quite easy to do your time. The only issues that ever arise are around debt, drugs, and relationships- if you’re not doing any of those 3 it’s truly easy to skate by.

I’m looking like an extra from Schindler’s list, my teenage eating disorder has reared its ugly head and claimed a place of comfort. Naturally when I lost control of my entire life my brain honed in on the one thing I could control- which was food. I can at least acknowledge it for what it is, which is progress. 20 years ago I’d never tell on myself about that stuff, but when you see someone lose 30+ pounds now a days it’s assumed to be drugs- mine came off with good old fashion starvation💁🏻‍♀️ I can make jokes about it (which probably isn’t a good thing) but at the end of the day I’m aware this is an issue that will have to get addressed. Oddly enough I do consume more food and have an appetite when smoking cigarettes? If I’m not smoking eating has to be forced. Not sure the logic in that since nicotine is an appetite suppressant but my mother said maybe it’s because I finally feel a little better which allows me to even get hungry.

Life is shitty. I wouldn’t mind the robots taking over and offing us all, if we could speed that one up that’d be great👌🏻