I won’t apologize for my current state of mind, I think it’s warranted at this point. I’m officially 7 months out from the Good Friday marriage blowing up incident. I’m down to 115lbs, I had to pick up cigarettes again, and my jaw is permanently clenched like I’ve been on a cocaine bender for six years. My nervous systems in fight or flight, I jump from the smallest things. Even though my soon to be ex husbands safely locked up in a Connecticut prison- I’m still terrified and anytime I’m at home I wake up screaming or in a panic. Literally the only time I don’t have nightmares are my weekly trips to Fall River to distract myself with the human equivalent of a Ken doll.

Distractions only go so far and my ability to hold my shit together comes falling apart at least once a day. I’ve managed to schedule my hysterical crying for times that my kids won’t see them but lately it’s been hitting me first thing in the morning so I have to hide from them. I’m having to mourn the loss of my best friend and the one person I could always rely on. He’s not dead, but the person he was before the mental illness isn’t here anymore and I have to accept that no amount of meds or therapy will ever make that man safe again. I have to mourn the fact I will never have a normal coparenting relationship. If he does get help all visits would need to be supervised as he’s too much of a risk to be alone with those children given the history. It’s shitty and not how I ever pictured my life going.

I welcome the distraction of work. As much as I can whine and complain, I am truly lucky to have the gig I do and it’s not one I take for granted. I missed my weekly hike this week to pick up an extra shift, I’m grateful for the income but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a bit bummed to miss the 70° weather in November. Good old global warming has extended the warmer weather and given my lack of body fat and the fact I’m cold all the time, I’ll take it with joy.